Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Magic 8 Ball Meme

Before I went on holiday the lovely, Heather at Random Interruptions tagged me for The Magic 8 Ball Meme. Thanks Heather.


In short, here are the rules:1. Post the button and link to Jaycee (following would be nice, but not required).

2. Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you're struggling with, are stuck on, or just can't "get right."

3. Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as "What do you think?" or something more in-depth, such as "Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such," or "How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?"

4. Tag 8 people.

As regular followers of my blog will no doubt know I am frantically editing my teen fantasy, ARROSAY, at the moment. The following is a section that I have been working on recently. It is the opening few paragraphs!  So basically, does it draw you in? Do you like it or hate it!?Any help or thoughts gratefully received. 
***


Excerpt removed for editing. Thanks for all your feedback.

 

Thanks so much for taking time to read it!

And finally to tag eight more people. Sorry guys if you have already had this one.
http://thewanderingwordsmith.blogspot.co.uk/
http://www.mollyelizabethlee.blogspot.co.uk/
http://rjropsen.blogspot.co.uk/
http://wordsoftheworlds.blogspot.co.uk
http://viklit.blogspot.co.uk/
http://blog.peggyannshumway.com/
http://dreamersloversandstarvoyagers.blogspot.co.uk/
http://ilimawrites.blogspot.co.uk/

12 comments:

  1. Hi Sue, thanks for the shout out. I hope you get some helpful hints today

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  2. Hi Suzanne. here's my thoughts on your entry:

    I *love* the voice. I can tell she has an attitude and she she will no doubt be searching for love and friendship. I can actually feel her grief and anger and even a smidgen of confusion at her upside down life. Nice work.

    I like how you kept the backstory short and to the point. No long drawn out explanations. Great work, again.

    My only squabble is simply my own opinion and most certainly not the general consensus, I'm sure. I just feel like cursing should be left to older teens and not a 13 or 14 year old. Like I said, it's only my opinion and you can take it as a little piece of thought from little ole' me:)

    I think you have a winner here and I hope you finish your edits soon. Edits are the hardest thing for me.

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    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Ink, I really appreciate feedback. You're correct this story does feature a mixed up and often angry girl who has taken her parents break up hard. Thankfully during the course of the story Emily does learn to love and trust again and of course accepts her step brother. Perhaps more importantly she learns to love herself too.

      Age pitching is often a hard one I find and I am definitely still learning! Like you I am not keen on lots of bad language and sex for the sake of it so I take your comments on board re cursing. This is certainly not a story that contains lots of this. This is probably the only reference. Maybe I took the 'start with a punch' too far so will be aware of this. I aimed the book at the 12+ market.

      Once again thanks very much for your useful comments.

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  3. Hi

    I like the voice of this and you clearly set out her main frustration and problem, so I can see where this novel is going.

    My main comments are related to the paragraph beginning:

    "Her parents break-up, a year ago, had shocked Emily to the core...."

    This feels very 'telling' us what's happened to Emily, is there anyway you could show us this? Through some sniping with Dad or perhaps even a direct thought of Emily's? 'Wonder how Mum was doing, feel so guilty leaving her alone at home.' and similar? My personal thought would be to work this piece of information into the story as you go.

    I hope that helps - I like the voice and I think you are tackling a good theme common to many children so good luck!

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    1. Thanks very much for your comments. I think your point is a good one so will have a play around with the section and she if I can fix this. Thanks again.

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    2. Sorry, obviously that should read see and not she!Daughter just came in with A level results and I got distracted!

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  4. Aloha Suzanne,

    I also enjoyed the voice and am curious to see how the MC develops, even though I do feel like she starts to whine toward the end...

    Here are my suggestions:

    A wise editor once told me I was allowed only one "!" per 65,000 ms, so I would lose all the "!" in your first few graphs... save 'em for when you really need them.

    I hate adverbs, the "ly" words, so I would work in some stronger verbs.

    That's it for me, so good luck and thanks for sharing :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Mark and thanks for taking time to comment it all really helps me look at the piece differently. I totally take your point about "!" on board. Maybe sometimes I get a bit trigger happy with them - LOL.

      Thanks again.

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  6. I agree with the other comments. I would also say that be careful where you put or don't put your commas. :) I find reading my work aloud and identifying the spots where there is a pause helps me to decide where a comma should or shouldn't go.

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  7. Thanks, Trisha. This piece is coming together now all the feedback here has been helpful. Like you I read my work aloud when I can, I find I spot mistakes that way! Although I try and do it when no one else is around as you can feel a bit foolish!

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